We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
is that a dick in a sweater?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
