Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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