just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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