I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
