My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
