so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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