i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
