areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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