He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize