Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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