Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
