i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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