I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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