an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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