I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
