I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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