Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
