just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
