I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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