i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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