the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
