Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.