this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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