2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.