I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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