I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
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