at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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