she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
