I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Randomize
