Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
