I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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