Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
