OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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