you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
