you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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