There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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