Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
