maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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