WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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