I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
