i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
