I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
