You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
