he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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