if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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