I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
