If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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