At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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