I cannot find my penis.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
