i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Boobs are out for the taking
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
