quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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