We won't sleep together?
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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