haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
