my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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