i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
