I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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