trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
