The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
