I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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