you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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